We had to run to town to grab a few things after we finished up with processing the meat birds this morning, so I talked the hubs into taking me for a walk in the park since it’s been awhile and I desperately need to get back into walking regularly again.

I can’t believe how out of shape I got this summer! Ugh.

Anyway, it’s a park we’ve been going to since we moved here, back when the kids were still pretty young and we’d take them to ride their skateboards and rollerblades. Or to just walk together since it has a great walking path that is roughly 3/4 of a mile long, if you go around just once.

Back then, all these trees were still young, too. They’ve grown a lot since those days.

I always get so nostalgic for when the kids were young and I was fit and healthier. Not that I’ve ever truly been completely healthy my entire life, but back then my mast cells weren’t as activated and my disease hadn’t progressed to the level it has in the last few years.

Combined with just normal aging, it’s really kicking my butt!

We had to stop a few times along the way which really made me feel a bit deflated. Especially considering I used to walk, hike and swim for hours and it doesn’t seem that long ago!

I am grateful to whoever invented benches. 🙂

It’s not just that I miss my own relative youth and fitness, I just miss the kids being kids. It’s hard to believe when I see them now that they are all grown up and so mature (well, mostly lol). You know what I mean.

They used to sled down this very hill in the winter when they were young…

Sometimes it feels as though they are ghosts now or like it never happened. All I have are the memories and pictures of our adventures together. It is hard to explain how it makes me feel. It’s a mixture of gratefulness and grief, I guess?

I know how lucky I am to have been able to bear children but I wasn’t prepared for how much it hurts when they grow up and move on.

Every time we are out and I get struck with that deep sense of nostalgia I have to curb my urge to spend the entire time talking about the kids and all the things we used to do with them to the hubs. While he does miss them being little, too, he doesn’t think it’s all we need to focus on while we are trying to enjoy the empty nest years.

Sigh.

He doesn’t think my entire identity needs to be tied to just being a mom.

I’m sure he’s right, he usually is, but it’s sooo hard.